Good Good Father

Over the past day or so I've thought about this post a hundred times. And asked God over and over if I have to post it. He is gracious of course. He answers with a smile and a gentle "No, you don't have to...but how else will people know of My faithfulness?"

I heard a sermon recently about how we as Christians rarely pray for God to test us or allow trials in our life. Mostly because that scares us. Ironically though, those are the things that, if we let them, will allow our relationship with Jesus to strengthen and reach new beautiful depths. It is not my belief that God sits up in heaven waiting to see what trials He can send or how He can ruffle people’s feathers. Not at all. He does allow difficult things to happen, but He gives grace and He is near to us as we journey through difficulty, whether we realize it or not. A few weeks before Christmas, I decided to pray for a trial or test. I prayed that it would draw Jesse and me closer to Jesus and cause our marriage to grow and deepen. And for Him to be glorified in it!   

Not a week went by and He allowed a few difficult things. Nothing major but definitely hard to swallow. Some financial strains and interesting bank kerfuffles. Through it all we clung to Jesus and to each other. It was beautiful. We were grateful. We thought the trials were over. 

And let me clarify something...It's not that I don't want this story told. It's really that part of me didn't see it as "productive" or "useful." We had planned to tell no one but our immediate family. No one else "needed" to know. 

However. Holy Spirit had other ideas. He was gentle and kind. "You prayed for trials to bring Me glory and now with this biggest trial yet, you aren't going to say anything?"
I sighed. "Isn't this different? Isn't it more personal? I don't like....drama." 
Holy Spirit: "But this is MY kind of drama! This is the kind of drama where I get all the credit!"

I couldn't deny that. If He wants it told for His glory and the spread of His name, then I fearlessly do it! In His strength. 
Almost three weeks ago, we were thrilled to find out we were pregnant! Our guess was that I was 7 weeks along. It was an answer to prayer and we couldn't have been more excited!

However, this past Saturday, while in Ohio with family, we found out that my blood levels indicated a miscarriage. The doctor was positive. I wasn't so sure but Sunday confirmed her assessment. 

We were heartbroken, but Jesus had so gently been preparing our hearts for this outcome, even a week before. I didn't know it at the time, but both of us had already been grieving our loss. 

Jesus has been SO gracious. So kind. So gentle and faithful and true. Such a good good Father. We have been utterly overwhelmed with His grace which has been poured over us without reservation. Our marriage has deepened to a whole new level which we both marvel at. And our reliance on and trust in Jesus has been surreal.

 
For the past few days we have laughed, we have cried, we have sung worship to Jesus--loud and passionate and in desperate love. He is our strength. We are grateful for the short journey. And we look to the future with giddy excitement. Not because we have grand plans, but because HE is faithful and His desire for us is to live life abundantly and His gifts are ALWAYS perfect and good and life giving. 

"And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death." Revelation 12:11

wait

Nobody likes to wait. Nobody. Yet we do it ALL the time.

We:
Wait while cookies bake.
Wait in line at the grocery store, amusement park, or DMV.
Wait for the next in a book series to come out.
Wait for the next episode of our favorite television show to air.
Wait for our paycheck to clear.
Wait. Wait. Wait.

It's no fun, but truth be told we all (usually) make the most of the "in between" time of waiting. We wash the dishes we made during baking. We get on our phones and FB, Tweet, Pin, Insta. We read other things, watch other things, DO other things.

What about when waiting is ALL you can do? What do you do then? I experienced this a few days ago. I was at a huge event and everyone around me had a job or task or busy work to keep them going. I was waiting. All my jobs were finished and I was forced to wait to discover my next task... Everyone who has led an event, been in charge of a huge project, is an executive, owner, president, etc, is always busy. They automatically know what needs to happen next. And they're telling everyone else what's up.

To have to WAIT usually means you are not the boss. It can be frustrating. It can be difficult. It can be humbling. And it needs a deep breath and willingness to submit to a certain kind of vulnerability.

It's tough.

What happens when GOD tells us to wait? I feel like most of us--including myself--respond even *less* favorably than we do when faced with the above situations. We take control and attempt to do it ourselves. We wallow in self pity. We complain, mope, and grumble. We tell Him no. We stuff our lives with meaningless distractions and futile attempts to *feel* busy, because, as you know, feeling and looking busy make us *feel* like we are the boss.

But we're not the boss.
And that's not waiting.

Usually when God tells us to wait, He's really telling us to REST. Say it with me.
Rest.

We can't do His job. And we shouldn't fill our lives with busyness while we "wait" just to feel a modicum of control over things that He knows how to handle better anyway.
It is a struggle. But praise Jesus, He can handle that too. :)

p.s. two of my favorite quotes about busyness and rest.

"Stop the glorification of busy."

"Rest is a weapon given to us by God through Jesus' finished work at the cross. The enemy hates it, because he wants you stressed and occupied."

Amen.

trust

Trust.

It looks like a simple and small enough word…looks unassuming and quiet.

Until it’s not just a word anymore. Until it forces you to choose, and breathe, and…jump.

Right off the seemingly endless cliffs straight into Jesus’ arms.

Sometimes trust just makes sense. Like when you’re little and “of course, Daddy will protect me.” Sometimes trust means letting your heart hammer in your chest for a few minutes as a tentative “yes” trembles from your lips. Sometimes trust means taking a deep breath and saying “I trust You” out loud.

All my life, certain phrases have swirled in my head. Some were things that other people told me were true. Some were verses of comfort I discovered in the Word. Others were words directly from the heart of the Father to me.

“He has good things prepared for you.”

“Trust Him. He is in control.”

"They have not heard or perceived by ear, nor has the eye seen a God besides You, Who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him."

"I am working on things for you that you've never considered. I'm working behind the scenes."

As I told a dear friend earlier this week, when we let go of all our expectations an give our lives fully to Jesus, it is then fully His responsibility! We don't have to worry about it...because it's no longer ours.

But when it comes down to it, I can't just let words tumble around in my head and hope that trust in Jesus would magically happen. I have to actually trust Him. I have to let go of petty desires and fight for the desires of His heart. I have to let go of my expectations and fears and doubts, and trust that because He is a wonderful Father, He desires excellent things for me. I just have to let it go.

Trust is a beautiful thing. It allows us to rest, and it allows God to work in our lives without our own ambitions, thoughts, or demands getting in the way. *wink* Imagine that. Stepping aside and letting the greatest Author EVER write your story. Glorious writing, that.

My favorite example of this happened a few months ago. Well, it *started* years ago, when I chose to trust Jesus about the man He would have me marry. I'm not saying it was easy. It wasn't. I fought Him sometimes. I fought for control. I tried to take the pen from His hand and write my own story, but that didn't work. Ever. He would take the pen back and gently remind me that He knew better. His thoughts were far above mine, and didn't I know that by now? So gentle, so kind... I had to tell Him--out loud--that I trusted Him. I continually gave my desires and expectations back to Him. I reminded myself that He saw my heart, and He knew what I needed. 

He is the best gift-giver in the history of ever.

A few months ago, Jesus gave me the best earthly gift and treasure. And it was such a surprise!! The man of my dreams--my best friend--stepped up and offered me his heart. I was blown away and utterly humbled. In the space of about one breath, a million thoughts raced through my head, and the most brilliantly shining one was from the heart of the Father. And I knew that this was what He had prepared. Jesus' joy and excitement for me poured into my spirit so quickly I felt like my heart would burst. 

JMan, who knew, huh?? How am I so blessed? You are the best earthly gift I've ever been entrusted with. I am daily blown away by the story that Jesus is writing for us. I am SO excited to do life with you and go on Jesus-adventures forever. :) I love you so very much.

Thank You, Jesus.

p.s.  My trust journey isn't over yet. It is a daily laying down of all that I think I need or assume I want. He is such a patient and kind Teacher and protective Daddy.

He's got the whole world in His hands!!

Life with Jesus is NEVER boring.

The awesomest, most amazing thing just happened to me. On Friday, I was getting ready for a little trip and my computer cord decides to suddenly and completely die. There were no tears in it or anything, it just stopped working and wouldn't charge. I tried 5 different outlets. And my computer was dead. Dad said it happens sometimes...it overheats and you just have to buy a new one. I kinda shrugged it off, since I was excited about going out of town and didn't think about it anymore.

...until I got home and realized that I really needed my computer to do some work, and figure out wedding stuff for my sister. This morning I was like, "okay, I need to figure this out." I was searching the house for another cord that might fit, but no luck. Mom was helping too...and I was kinda sad, cause computer cords aren't super cheap, and I didn't want to spend money on it. So I just said, "I'm just gonna go in my room and lay hands on it and pray for healing." Completely serious.

I head to my room and lay hands on the "charger box" thing and pray, "Jesus, I'm asking You to touch this computer cord. Just please restore it. I really don't want to have to buy a new one. I really can't afford it. Would You please restore this one?" At that second my computer makes a noise. I look down and there's a light on that wasn't on before...

I hold my breath and press the power button. And my computer comes to life. And the green power light stays steady, which means it's charging. Tears are coming to my eyes at this point and I'm thanking Jesus and doing a happy dance. Then I start to wonder if it had just been "sorta" broken and maybe it had already charged while it was off for a few days. I wait for it to turn on to see how much battery it has.

. . .

It was at 2% and charging... which means it started charging when I prayed for it!!!! Oh my goodness!! Jesus is sooo amazing. He cares about the small things. I'm on cloud nine. :D All glory and honor to Him!!


On another note, [and not so small]...one of my favorite-est people in the entire world was in a car wreck late last night. She flipped their Excursion 5 times and was rushed to the hospital. Needless to say, I was a little shaken, but I had a peace that she would be okay. Even so, we prayed for her at that moment. Early this morning, I found out that she walked away with barely a scratch. I know for sure that angels were with her...Jesus protected her. He has mighty and vast plans prepared for her and I know that there is still a lot of Kingdom work for her to do on earth before she is called home. She is a light in the darkness, and an atmosphere changer, a Holy Spirit bringer, and a songbird from Jesus' heart. Thank You, Father God, for saving and protecting her. Love you, McKay.

a sparrow in His hands

Location: Home

Place: Kitchen table

Job: Human being

Current Emotional Status: Whiplashed

*deep breaths* well…here I am…back home and curled up with a cup of caffeinated chai as I pour over Pinterest in an attempt to help organize, plan, brainstorm details for my little sister’s wedding. The last 10 weeks were spent in the “Deep South.” I met quite a few lovely people there… Some of those people I loved a whole-heck-of-a-lot [you know who you are], some of those people I loved quite a bit…and some of those people, when I think about them, I just smile and say “bless their heart.”

I won’t lie. It was ridiculously hard to say goodbye to some of those people I was honored to call friends… they lit up my life for the weeks I was there, and they continue to bless me on a daily basis. I look back on those 10 weeks and stagger a little in awe of what God did, in me and for me. He was faithful in the moments when I sorely lacked it. He was steady when I was not. He showed me love when I had none. I know He brought me to Alabama for a reason, I know He had a plan…even if I don’t see the whole picture right now.

Now, as I’m back home and I fidget a little with the process of settling back in and finding “my place,” I hear Jesus say, “your place is by My side…don’t worry about doing, just…be.”

…

Honestly, I struggle to be okay with that. The past few years at Verity were great, you know? I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing, I knew what everyone expected of me, and I knew that I was in God’s will. It was a time of perfect peace and contentment, despite the chaos and craziness that sometimes went on in the V kitchen… And I know I’m in God’s will to be here at home right now, but I don’t have the direction that I’m used to, unless you count the only direction as “just be.” What does that look like? Not entirely sure yet...

The daily verse yesterday on Bible Gateway was perfect and made me smile in the realization that He is indeed watching out for me.

“Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.” Like 12:6-7

So. Here I am. Just being. And resting. And believing. And trusting that He is at work behind the scenes on plans that He has yet to allude to.

I am a sparrow in His hands.

fall madly...

if you're going to fall in love, do it madly, wildly, desperately, passionately, wholly, completely, deeply, freely, irrevocably.

if you're going to fall in love hold nothing back. hide nothing. withhold nothing.

if you're going to fall in love, don't be timid. don't be shy. don't be insincere, insecure, or indifferent.

if you're going to fall in love, be bold, be unwavering, be sincere, secure, and solid.

There is no middle ground, despite what we may think, imagine, or secretly hope.
When we think of love, we may think of a "warm fuzzy" feeling, because that's what the world has changed this overused, overworked, under-appreciated, and underestimated noun turned-fluffy-cloud-of-nothingness into.

false.

"because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.." Jesus isn't messing around when He says this in Revelation 3:16. I see it as a challenge.
Will my love for Him be fiery and passionate, nothing holding me back, and no limitations on what I can accomplish with love unhindered?
Will my love for Him be cold and lifeless as I allow this world to distract me, to pull me back, to tempt me with lies?
Or worse still, will I be neither hot nor cold, but a disgusting mix of both, unable to step beyond the boundary lines and make a choice??

Since the beginning of the summer, I've been at a place of decision...and I hear His voice asking me, "What kind of love will you choose?" The thing that makes me shudder is that I've known what I must answer, but I've delayed in the reply. I know what I want/need to choose, but I choked back on my response. Whether because of fear, pride, or laziness...

Yesterday was a turning point. The pastor at church talked about the story of Elijah and Ahab. Elijah heard the "roar of a heavy shower" and sent Ahab get ready. Then Elijah fell on his kness and prayed. Elijah sent his servant seven times to look for the clouds over the sea, but it wasn't until the seventh time that a cloud as big as a man's hand was seen. Something was coming and despite protests to the contrary, Elijah saw beyond the realm of the physical and told Ahab to prepare.

That was it for me.

I know that God's promises are true. I know that He has things and gifts and dreams prepared for me, but I cannot take a back seat and wait around while He gets ready. I hear the sounds of battle! In this preparation, I don't want to be found lacking in anything. I don't want to be lukewarm. I want to fall irrevocably, wildly, madly in love. I have a mandate to prepare. I have a mandate to put on my armor. I have a mandate to fall on my face before Him and pray with fervent lips. And it will be a mad, mad love that drives me....

Jesus, give me grace.
Love you all.

this thing called LIFE

Just what is this life supposed to look like?  Is it supposed to be happy, sad, dramatic, beautiful, tragic, wonderful, dreary, sunshiney??  How bout those heart-wrenching, soul-aching days? Or let's factor in the days when your heart asks to be obliterated with uncontrollable joy? What about the days when all you want to do is hide under the covers and let the world pass you by as you slowly fade away?
Let's talk about the times when you can't stop laughing and you feel like nothing can touch you? What about the moments when your brain is racing about 5000 miles an hour and you can't stop it? Or those days when your life crashes in around you and all you have is the tiny space above your head that is filtering in soft sunlight?

Is it just a crazy-gorgeous combination of all of the above?

*heavy sigh* yes....yes it is.

I honestly don't know how "the world" does it. How do they survive the heartache and the rough days and the disappointments and the tragic endings to beautiful seasons of life? How do they get up and face each new day without Jesus?? I couldn't. No way... He is my everything...the Giver of all good gifts. He is my comfort and shelter. He is my peace and protector. He is my Beloved and King.

He is my Best Friend.

So it's obvious, right? Who do I share my joy with when I'm happy? Him. Who do I run to for comfort when my heart feels broken? Him. Who do I look to when this life is just a little scary and the future is something I don't understand? Him.  Am I consistent in this, and do I always remember Him? Not at all. But He's also a patient Teacher.
Not even close to what I deserve, but most definitely what I need...

Life in the world would be so depressing to actually have to live. To roll out of bed and not have hope or peace or Jesus. To walk around with a deep and gaping emptiness on the inside. To experience hard times and not know if you were going to make it....

Life with Jesus is, in a word, glorious. To open your eyes and sense hope and peace and Jesus. To walk around with His love burning on the inside of your spirit. To experience hard times and know that He holds your future in His hands and is ready, willing, and determined to give you good gifts.

I choose life with Jesus. :)