Good Good Father

Over the past day or so I've thought about this post a hundred times. And asked God over and over if I have to post it. He is gracious of course. He answers with a smile and a gentle "No, you don't have to...but how else will people know of My faithfulness?"

I heard a sermon recently about how we as Christians rarely pray for God to test us or allow trials in our life. Mostly because that scares us. Ironically though, those are the things that, if we let them, will allow our relationship with Jesus to strengthen and reach new beautiful depths. It is not my belief that God sits up in heaven waiting to see what trials He can send or how He can ruffle people’s feathers. Not at all. He does allow difficult things to happen, but He gives grace and He is near to us as we journey through difficulty, whether we realize it or not. A few weeks before Christmas, I decided to pray for a trial or test. I prayed that it would draw Jesse and me closer to Jesus and cause our marriage to grow and deepen. And for Him to be glorified in it!   

Not a week went by and He allowed a few difficult things. Nothing major but definitely hard to swallow. Some financial strains and interesting bank kerfuffles. Through it all we clung to Jesus and to each other. It was beautiful. We were grateful. We thought the trials were over. 

And let me clarify something...It's not that I don't want this story told. It's really that part of me didn't see it as "productive" or "useful." We had planned to tell no one but our immediate family. No one else "needed" to know. 

However. Holy Spirit had other ideas. He was gentle and kind. "You prayed for trials to bring Me glory and now with this biggest trial yet, you aren't going to say anything?"
I sighed. "Isn't this different? Isn't it more personal? I don't like....drama." 
Holy Spirit: "But this is MY kind of drama! This is the kind of drama where I get all the credit!"

I couldn't deny that. If He wants it told for His glory and the spread of His name, then I fearlessly do it! In His strength. 
Almost three weeks ago, we were thrilled to find out we were pregnant! Our guess was that I was 7 weeks along. It was an answer to prayer and we couldn't have been more excited!

However, this past Saturday, while in Ohio with family, we found out that my blood levels indicated a miscarriage. The doctor was positive. I wasn't so sure but Sunday confirmed her assessment. 

We were heartbroken, but Jesus had so gently been preparing our hearts for this outcome, even a week before. I didn't know it at the time, but both of us had already been grieving our loss. 

Jesus has been SO gracious. So kind. So gentle and faithful and true. Such a good good Father. We have been utterly overwhelmed with His grace which has been poured over us without reservation. Our marriage has deepened to a whole new level which we both marvel at. And our reliance on and trust in Jesus has been surreal.

 
For the past few days we have laughed, we have cried, we have sung worship to Jesus--loud and passionate and in desperate love. He is our strength. We are grateful for the short journey. And we look to the future with giddy excitement. Not because we have grand plans, but because HE is faithful and His desire for us is to live life abundantly and His gifts are ALWAYS perfect and good and life giving. 

"And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death." Revelation 12:11